UPON EXITING A TEX-MEX ESTABLISHMENT LAST WEEKEND:Hostess: Muchos gracias!Me: Huevos rancheros!I'm an asshat.INTO THE RIVER AND UNDER THE STARSWent camping last weekend with a large group of friends and had an absolute blast. I've mentioned before that I arrived late to the camping experience. Most people have camping familiarity from their childhood, but my parents enjoyed packing my little brother and me into the backseat and driving eight hours to Michigan to visit my Grandmother. That was our "vacation". Of course we did other things as well, we visited water parks and many theme parks during our long summers. We visited my Grandfather's cabin in the woods, but never actually went camping.A fair amount of the camping experience appeals to me. I enjoy fresh air and nature, and I also enjoy drinking beer and avoiding showers. It's win/win when you camp. The people I joined this last weekend are what I would call professional campers. We really wanted for nothing. On the menu were fajitas (with warmed tortillas and fresh homemade guacamole), delicious burgers, corn on the cob, baked potatoes and watermelon. For breakfast we were served bacon (turkey and pork) and eggs, pecan nut bread and even a delicious spinach quiche, cooked over coals in a dutch oven. Games were set up, along with power lighting once the sun set. Ipods sat on docking stations and we gathered around the fire talking, laughing and listening to music after a long afternoon on the river. I felt somewhat guilty really, our campsite was nicer than most Third World cities.We had a fantastic time and I loved every minute of it. I didn't know everyone in attendance when I arrived, but I'd like to think I made some new friends. I awoke Sunday morning to the smell of french pressed coffee and a fire crackling. The sun was just peeking over the trees and I was warmly wrapped like a human burrito in my brand new sleeping bag. I could hear the birds, but just barely over the roaring chirp of the Cicadas. It was heavenly.YOU KNEW IT WAS COMINGIn all of this outdoor luxury, there was one thing missing. A TOILET. I told myself that this would not be a big deal, after all I've peed in the woods many a time. Heck, I've gone to the bathroom outside of bars at times when the line inside was too long. I know, I know - pure CLASS. Anyway, this was not an issue until Sunday morning. Things were going along smoothly until that first cup of Joe. Uh-oh.I fought it until I was practically touching cloth and sweating and then sheepishly tucked a roll of toilet paper under my arm and headed determined into the woods. I won't go into detail here (surprise), but I really think that the real genius of the toilet resides in the flush handle. When you poop outdoors, well, there it is... just lying there looking up at you with two little corn eyes.I realize you are supposed to dig a hole and all that business but that proved to be too difficult what with all the gagging and whatnot. Anyway, we coined the term "bust a grunty" and I'm pretty pleased about that. Try it out in your office sometime!RE-ENLISTED, PT. 3As mentioned before I've recommitted to my fitness and diet routine. Yes, again. Whose counting? You? Well, knock it off. Anyway, Boot Camp started back officially this morning with a roar and what is now a throbbing ache. EVERYWHERE. Running. Running with weights...overhead. Curls, triceps kickbacks, and lateral raises. Doing the wheelbarrow (for crying out loud) across the gym floor. AND THEN BACK. Lunging with weights. Ab exercises. Crunches, bicycle abs and hopping...oh, the hopping. Jump as far as you can, go down and do a push-up, get back up...jump again. Again across the gym floor. It was brutal. I almost puked. Well, I did a little but I call it a "vurp" when you swallow it back down again.I almost had to sit down in the shower and had to descend my stairs sideways. GOOD TIMES.Well, I keep hearing the echo of that bitch lady asking me if I was pregnant last month and trust me, that is motivating. So, here we go again. There is no way this will not work as long as I show up. Therein lies the crux.I'll end this with a little exchange years ago between my pal Ben and one of my ex-boyfriends.Ben: So, Parker, do you like to camp?Parker: Heck yeah!Ben: Can I ask you a question?Parker: Sure!Ben: If you went camping with a bunch of guys and got really drunk and woke up the next morning with a condom hanging out of your butt, would you tell anyone?Parker: Oh, hell no!Ben: Wanna go camping?I hope you all had a safe and wonderful holiday weekend.
